Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can’t say it.
-- Anon.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
-- Anon.
Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups — alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. --Alex Levine
“To drink without thirst and to make love all the time,
madam, it is only these which distinguish us from the other beasts.” -- Beaumarchais
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
When money’s tight and hard to get and your horse is an also-ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt, a pint of plain is your only man. -- Flann O’Brien
In Vino Veritas
In Cervesio Felicitas
Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.
-- Gore Vidal
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
“And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”
-- Rudyard Kipling
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Anon.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
-- Oscar Wilde
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-- Plato
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-- Anon.
Atheism is a non prophet organization.
-- Anon.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
-- Anon.
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
-- Oscar Wilde
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: “A truck!” -- Emo Phillips
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.
-- Steven Wright
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom The Bell Tolls)
“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.” -- Anon.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henry Youngman
“Beer. So much more than just a breakfast drink!”
-- Anon.
Wine is as good as life to a man, if it be drunk moderately: what is life then to a man that is without wine? For it was made to make men glad. -- Ecclesiasticus
The wages of gin is breath.
-- Anon.
Get turly a couple of pints to see some of his carefully culled (read: “plagiarised”) beery one-liners…
